Parent Guilt

When students fall behind in school parents are apt to start feeling vaguely guilty. It seems as though there was something important that they should or shouldn't have done. Sometimes even Grandma or Great Uncle Elmo says that there was something the parents should or should not have done. Then panic ensues. Driven by fear, many parents blame themselves, each other, the teacher, the school, and/or the child. After all this blaming, parents feel really bad, and everyone else does too, especially the child. Meanwhile, the problem has escalated because no one has taken any steps to solve it. Identifying a disability, disorder, dysfunction, or deficit can help parents feel better for a while, that is, until they find out that identification of a weak area doesn't solve any problems either. Meanwhile, the problem has escalated because on one has taken any steps to solve it.

Scientists are telling us more and more about the incredible adaptability of the human person. In fact, at this point, the adaptability of the human person seems more amazing than the universe itself. So, if the child is human, the child can adapt and learn, when the opportunity is available.

The first step to making learning possible is to present the material at the child's level of understanding. When the conceptual or vocabulary levels are above the student's capacity, the student has no real opportunity to learn. That's why colleges require prerequisite courses before they permit students to take higher level courses. College freshmen are usually not ready to study organic chemistry, for example. They need to study both biology and chemistry first.

The second step to making learning possible is to provide sufficient practice with the material. No one would expect a child to be a star soccer player after just studying the rules and seeing a demonstration. Likewise, no one should expect a child to be a star student after just hearing about a topic once or twice. The student needs to compare and contrast the information with previously learned material and to think about it many times before the material will enter long term memory.

Another aspect of providing a real learning opportunity for students who fall behind is to relieve the stress that has built up as a result of the situation. Negative feelings block learning. People automatically avoid anxiety-producing situations. Students who have experienced failure need much gentle encouragement to even look toward the material associated with the failure.

The first step to overcoming the anxiety associated with failure is to provide experiences of success. Successful learning will eventually blot out the previous painful experiences. Increasing positive adult attention is also a very powerful way to lower stress levels in children. Sometimes a friend or relative can do special activities with a child that make a huge positive difference. Several years ago I made this suggestion to the parents of a very bright eight-year-old who had serious behavior control problems and reading problems as well. The busy professional parents seemed less than enthusiastic about the idea. However, when the child was still not doing well at the end of the second quarter Dad started spending time with him During the fourth quarter the child finally began to read fluently and overcame his behavior problems. Eventually this student was successful in a regular class.

Yet another powerful way to solve problems associated with falling behind is to relieve physical stress by enhancing health. Stress produces physical effects that can be overcome by improved nutrition, exercise, and sunlight on the skin. I've seen this "Food and Fun in the Sun" program produce amazing intellectual and physical effects on many students.

Finally, parents can reduce student stress by improving communication skills with counseling or by means of a parent training program. If the student is obviously nervous or jumpy, if there has been a separation, divorce, or death in the family, or if there is anger in family relationships, this measure is likely to be especially effective. A student who falls behind needs extra patience and gentleness, yet parents have the most difficulty being patient with children who have problems because they are so worried about the child. The negative feelings experienced by the parent can easily lead to impatience, anger, and over punishment. Of course, the parent feels doubly guilty when this happens, and family relationships begin to spiral downward.

No parent is born knowing how to raise children. Bringing up children is a challenging adventure. No one raises children without making mistakes, sometimes big ones. And, as parents of large families will often say, each child is a separate challenge because each one is different from all the rest. Parents have to remember that children adapt. When difficulties come along, as they always will, solutions can be found. So, if a child falls behind, don't just stand there and feel guilty. Do something! Those who keep walking the road to success eventually get there.

Readers, please share your thoughts and experiences with me. The comments of many people make this column vibrant and relevant. Contact me at: newskill7@msn.com or call me at: 703-691-0191 (home), or 703-501-9013 (cell). I'm eager to hear from you.

Mary Sue Laing, M.Ed.
Resource Teacher, St. Ambrose School

by Mary Sue Laing, M. Ed., New Skill, Inc. Academic Tutor