Obedience

When I entered the home of my grandchildren this afternoon I noticed that the three-year-old was decorated with his brother's birthday cake Mom gave him a bath, and soon after he appeared in the living room clad in a big blue towel. When he showed no sign of remedying that situation, I told him to go upstairs and get some clothes on. I suggested that he might get cold if he remained undressed. He promptly stopped running around and headed up the steps. In a few minutes he was wearing the pants and a shirt that Mom put on him.

I was mildly surprised that he did what I asked, and I discussed the reasons for his obedience with his father (my son) later on. I realized that I had made my request in a nice, gentle tone of voice, and I gave him a reason to obey that appealed to him at his level. He might even have felt a little cold already, so it only took a little nudge to persuade him. I avoided threatening, yelling, or forcing him physically. I just assumed he'd obey, and he did. If he hadn't, I would probably have repeated my request in a gentle tone of voice until he got tired of hearing me. He might have known that too.

I've tried commanding obedience in many ways over the years, and I've found that some ways work better than others. Experience has taught me that, if a child obeys, and the obedient action turns out well for him, he'll obey again. This afternoon having clothes on made the child more comfortable, so he'll probably obey me again. If, on the other hand, the suggested action causes problems for the child, he'll be less likely to listen to the adult in the future. An important key, then, to inspiring obedient behavior is to make sure that every command meets the true needs of the child, so that obedience will consistently turn out well for him. If, in addition, the reasons for the command are clear to the child himself, the child will need a minimum of adult guidance because he will already understand what to do and why. Children settle down at bedtime more readily if they understand that they'll feel tired the next day if they don't. They'll stay out of the street, too, when they realize what might happen if they aren't careful. My sons were three and four years old when we visited the Grand Canyon. They still remember my description of being smashed on the rocks if they fell over the edge. They kept away from the precipice themselves. I didn't have to chase them or yell at them.

Doing something "because I said so" is a very poor reason for doing anything. Even Mary, the mother of Jesus, asked the angel, "How can this be, since I do not know man?" Mary requested the information she needed to understand what she was being asked to do. She didn't just blindly say, "Yes" without using her mind. To demand that a child consistently obey without thought is actually very dangerous, especially in today's world where there are so many people with poorly formed value systems. Children who are subjected to over control by adults often become compulsive people-pleasers who think that they can be happy only when pleasing others. When the person they choose to please makes destructive demands, they comply.

Jesus was obedient, even to death, death on a cross. Jesus obeyed his heavenly Father, but not blindly. Jesus knew what he was doing and chose his action at every moment for the salvation of the world.

Readers out there, share your experiences with me. The comments of many people make this column vibrant and relevant. Contact me at: newskill7@msn.com or call me at: 703-691-0191 (home), or 703-501-9013 (cell). I'm eager to hear from you.

Mary Sue Laing, M.Ed.
Resource Teacher, St. Ambrose School

by Mary Sue Laing, M. Ed., New Skill, Inc. Academic Tutor