Have a Plan

When people react to one another with anger, they perceive something threatening happening and have no other way to effectively counter the threat. People use angry behavior when their other resources for correcting the problem are depleted. Angry people can be like cornered rattlesnakes. They are far more likely to strike when caught in a corner than they are if they could just scare the intruder away and slither quietly into their holes.

When parents or teachers interact with young people, they can sometimes get themselves painted into a corner with anger and punishment the only way out that occurs to them. The child then either rebels or blocks the message or both. The stage is now set for another episode later on. Meanwhile, the problem that precipitated the anger smolders under the surface until the next outbreak.

Many people experience some recurring negative interactions from time to time, especially if they are engaged in extremely challenging work like parenting or teaching. It's absolutely impossible to raise human children with making mistakes. Children are always growing and changing and testing limits to see if you really mean what you say. An essential part of teaching and parenting is to identify negative situations and take steps to do it better next time.

The only person who can control your anger is you yourself, and you have to use your intellect to do that. Only your mind can rise above your emotions and gain control of your behavior. Blaming your behavior on someone else increases your anger and solves nothing.

So, when negativity strikes, develop a plan. Identify the problem, search out the factors that are producing it, and ask yourself what you can to solve it. Avoid saying that your life is like that, and your problems have no solutions. That kind of thinking leads directly to self-pity, which leads to more blame, which leads to more anger, etc., etc. If you can't think of a workable plan ask other people to help you make your plan. If any of those people should say something like, "Oh, you poor thing, how can you stand it?" ask somebody else.

Two resources that have helped countless parents and teachers develop positive response patterns are: Children: the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs and www.janebluestein.com. Dr. Dreikurs was a kindly psychiatrist who wrote in the 1920's. His book is still being published and widely recommended. Dr. Bluestein gives workshops to educators and parents nationwide. Her ideas are greatly helpful to people who want to acquire rational, win-win interaction styles. To access parent information click "Handouts", then Parent Handouts".

After you've developed your plan, write it down, and do what you planned at the next opportunity. After that, revise, revise, revise until your plan starts working, and then revise some more. The best teachers and parents grow and change along with the children. So, have a plan and grow, grow grow.

Readers out there, share your experiences with me. The comments of many people make this column vibrant and relevant. Contact me at: newskill7@msn.com or call me at: 703-691-0191 (home), or 703-501-9013 (cell). I'm eager to hear from you.

Mary Sue Laing, M.Ed.
Resource Teacher, St. Ambrose School

by Mary Sue Laing, M. Ed., New Skill, Inc. Academic Tutor