How Will Your Children Remember You?

That provocative question was posed by a speaker I heard recently. Since my children are grown, I already know the answer. They mostly remember what I did well and the activities we enjoyed together, but they also recall me yelling at them to clean their rooms. They are able to repeat my oft-used words about that subject, such as "pigpen", not one of which produced the desired result, no matter how often I said it. Obviously, a barrage of words shouted at them every so often made them ever more resistant and failed to solve the problem. Having a plan to make it easier for them to control their possessions never occurred to me. I assumed that room cleaning was so easy and basic that no assistance was necessary.

Now that I have worked with children and families for so many years, I know that anger-producing situations in families can do a great deal of damage. About two years ago a member of a group I belong to was frequently complaining that their five-year-old daughter was battling with both parents quite frequently. I tried hard to impress upon this mother the seriousness of this situation, and I even recommended professional help if the parents couldn't cope with the problem themselves. I never found out what happened, but I've heard no more complaints, and the child is a charming, successful second-grader.

Blaming in families feeds the flames of anger like wood fuels a fire. As soon as one person thinks that someone else is causing the problem, the anger toward that person grows. The other person feels threatened and then blames someone else. And the anger increases. The earliest example we have of the blame-game is recounted in the Book of Genesis. Adam blames God for giving him the woman who tempted him to eat the forbidden fruit. Just like so many of the rest of us, Eve then blames the serpent.

The first step toward conquering anger is to develop a habit of identifying the problem and taking personal responsibility for solving it. Are there toys on the floor? How could you teach the children to keep their things in order? Is someone in the family failing to do chores or homework? How could you better supervise chores and homework? Are you overloaded with work? How could you lighten your workload? Is your spouse yelling at the children? How could you help restore peace? It's so easy to say, "That's just the way my family is. I can't do anything about it." That kind of thinking increases angry, helpless feelings and makes a solution to the problem impossible.

When I was yelling about dirty rooms, I was really blaming the children for the mess and not taking any responsibility for solving the problem. I did no thinking. I had no plan. I just reacted emotionally at various random times. Of course, the children turned me off and tuned me out. Under those circumstances the problem didn't get solved. I'm very grateful today that my children also remember what I did well.

Readers out there, tell me what you think. Contact me at: newskill7@msn.com or call me at: 703-691-0191 (home), or 703-501-9013 (cell). I'm eager to hear from you.

Mary Sue Laing, M.Ed.
Resource Teacher, St. Ambrose School

by Mary Sue Laing, M. Ed., New Skill, Inc. Academic Tutor